Bedtime can be a tough time for parents, but can be a wonderful time as well. Children love rules and structure and consistency far more than most adults do, and my son LOVES his bedtime routine, and for me it serves several functions. First, it gives him a consistent bedtime to ensure he gets enough sleep and is on a schedule that he knows as well as I do. We sat down together to figure out what his routine should include. We decided that the first thing he should do is clean up his room so that it doesn’t get all built up over the course of weeks and months and he can have a nice clean room to wake up to in the morning. After that he puts on his PJ’s and then we go together to brush teeth and wash faces. Brushing our teeth together was a big step for Quynn. His mother brushed his teeth for him and so he was very hesitant to try it on his own, but he really gets into doing it together with me and that way I can model proper brushing technique and it ensures he brushes his teeth for an adequate period of time. Our next step is for him to call his mother. It’s probably our most important step because it’s the only way to make sure he talks to her on a daily basis. If she calls and he’s in the middle of something he doesn’t like to talk, so when it’s his time to call her he’s really ready to chat. It’s unfortunate that I don’t receive the same consideration, but for any parents who are not together it’s a great way for a child to have daily contact with a parent who can’t be there. He can talk to his mother for as long as he’d like and when he’s finished, I read a story to him. He reads the chapter number and chapter name and I read the chapter and then he reads the chapter number and name of the chapter we’ll read the next day. After we read our story we say our ‘Goody nights’ which is a routine my mother and I had when I had my bedtimes growing up. Then he picks his movie and I turn off his light and turn on his Twilight Turtle. I wouldn’t recommend the movie part to anyone – I don’t think children need it, but I have extremely bad Tinnitus (a ringing in one ear) so without a television on while I sleep it sounds like an alarm is going off all the time, and it doesn’t feel right to tell him he can’t watch something when I am. Plus it helps to distract him from the fact that I don’t lay down with him to put him to bed.

I have watched lots of Supernanny and Nanny 911 and I see a lot of problems that parents have with bedtimes that are easy enough to fix with one or two hard-fought battles and consistency. My suggestion for parents who have troubles with this time of the day is to establish a routine (ours is written down so we can refer to it if we need to) and stick to it every night. Once it’s bedtime, it should be bedtime and children don’t really need visits or to leave their bed. They can get used to them (addicted even, sometimes), but you can break them of this habit. It just requires those hard-fought battles. One thing to keep in mind is that if your child is not physically hurt, their tears are letting you know that they are upset, but it’s not the kind of upset that requires fixing. When our children cry, we react to it on a different level (chemical, hormonal maybe) than when other children do, and it’s one of the hardest things in the world to let them cry without trying to alleviate their distress. It’s okay for children to be upset. If they don’t learn how to deal with upset feelings when they are young, they will eventually have to later on and it may be harder. This is a great age for them to practice so many things that aren’t academic. It’s one of the reasons I love teaching children this age. They are learning social and emotional skills as well as the academics and if you visit another school with children the same age as ours you may find them to be less mature than our group. Not that we don’t get silly or act like children, but visit other schools and you’ll see just how advanced ours can be. Back to bedtime, though. If a child expects visits, they will have a hard time resting, because they’ll be wondering when their mother or father is coming into their room. Also, if you come to their room every time they call, it may take them a lot longer to drift off to sleep. Some of this may sound cruel, but the result can be a longer rest time for your children, time for parents to be adults after children have gone to bed, and less anxious kids.

Today I wanted to talk about a formula I was thinking about that sums up what we do at the school. That is:

clear expectations + consistent consequences = good behavior

As with all things, this does not work for every single child, but it’s a good guide for general parenting, and if it doesn’t work for a child then more help may be needed for that child. In my own parenting experience, I’ve found that the formula works even if a child is used to a completely different style of parenting. Children adjust to situations extremely quickly at young ages, it’s only as we get older that we grow more resistant to change.

Let me explain exactly what that formula means, though. Let’s use an example. I’ll use my son Quynn, and I’ll have to give you a little background so the example is clear. Quynn doesn’t have a bedtime with his mother and he’s used to her laying down with him to get him to sleep. I disagree with that routine and made another one with Quynn that he really enjoyed. After we’re done with his routine and we say our ‘Goody Nights’, Quynn picks out what he wants to watch on the portable dvd player and goes to sleep. However, Quynn does like to sneak out of bed occasionally, so I let him know that if I see him out of his bed again, I’ll need to take the dvd player out of his room for that night. Luckily, Quynn had already learned that I will absolutely follow up on anything I say I will do and he has never tested me on that issue and whenever I let him know that he may not be out of his bed, I don’t see him again that night. If he did break that rule, there would be no second chance. He knows what the consequences are and we would both have to live with them. It would be VERY difficult for me to take the dvd player away, as he would be very upset for a long time, but I would be willing to suffer through it with him to enforce our rules. And at some point, he will test me on that and we will have to suffer together. The consequence you set can be very hard for you to live with as a parent, but if you stick to your guns, and are consistent EVERY time, then you’ll almost definitely see the results you desire. This works for teachers and even when just interacting with other children. When setting the consequence, I try to connect it to what is happening, or there is the ever-popular time out.

Let me give you another example of something not to do. I ran into a parent I knew from another school and her young daughter who was normally happy to see me. The daughter hid behind her mother and wouldn’t look at me. The mother cheerfully informed me that her daughter was learning a lesson through ‘natural consequences’. The daughter wouldn’t get her shoes on when it was time to leave and so the mother made her wear plastic bags on her feet to go into a library. Shaming a child is, in my opinion, a terrible way to teach a child anything. A real ‘natural consequence’ happens at our school frequently. If a child chooses not to eat a snack or much of their lunch, we let them know that it’s their choice, but if they choose not to eat then they might be awfully hungry before it’s time to eat again. If they get hungry before the next meal or snacktime then that is a natural consequence.

I hope that this is helpful, and if you ever have questions you can leave a note here or ask me at school and I’ll help any way I can.