A tantrum is either a tactic a child uses to get something or control a situation OR it’s a breakdown of behavior sometimes indicating a child is out of control, often due to being overtired. I’ll be focusing more on the former, but I’ll touch on the latter as well.
When a child throws a tantrum to get something or to control a situation, it’s an easy fix. If that strategy does not work for them, they will stop using it. Let’s use a Quynn example again. The first time Quynn went shopping with me after we hadn’t seen each other for awhile was a disaster, and that was partially my fault. Had I been prepared, I’d have given him clear expectations. As it was, he assumed that shopping with me would be the same as shopping with his mother. My son went right to the sugary stuff and almost demanded it. He didn’t get it, of course, and I let him know he didn’t need tears to get things he’d like at the store and that he would never get anything he wants by crying to get it. When a child is in the moment, they aren’t ready to listen to reason, so he cried nearly the entire time we were there. Since he couldn’t get the sugary stuff he was wanting, I did let him pick out things that I was shopping for for him, so he did still have some control and some choices to make, but it was within the framework that I provided for him, not just what he wanted. The next time we went shopping was a totally different experience. We talked first about how we would only be picking things that were good for our bodies and since he understood ahead of time he was a different child in the store and never even asked for anything he knew we wouldn’t be getting. So consistency is very important. If a child sometimes gets what they want when they throw a tantrum, they’ll certainly try since it’s successful occasionally.
There comes a time when your child will be out of control due to being extremely upset or overtired. Sometimes you have to just suffer through it and talk to them when they are done. Reasoning with them won’t work. They can’t shut their emotions off when they are feeling them so strongly, so sometimes they just need to be held or let be until you can communicate with them again.
Some children will lash out physically when they are upset, and that can be scary. One possible solution can be to give them something that is okay for them to hit, like a pillow. I’d advise against giving them something person-like, since we are trying to avoid them getting in the habit of taking their anger or frustration out on someone else. An older child can be given some of the same techniques an adult might use – taking deep breaths, yelling outside…whatever will work for your child and you, and make sure it’s something you can do or use when you are out. If your child is accustomed to hitting a certain pillow that is very large, what will you do if they need it and you’re at the store? So perhaps they can have a pillow at home and a small one for the car or that you could carry with you. These are just examples of possible solutions. You can choose one or make one up that best suits your child and the circumstances surrounding their tantrums.