Today I wanted to talk about a formula I was thinking about that sums up what we do at the school. That is:

clear expectations + consistent consequences = good behavior

As with all things, this does not work for every single child, but it’s a good guide for general parenting, and if it doesn’t work for a child then more help may be needed for that child. In my own parenting experience, I’ve found that the formula works even if a child is used to a completely different style of parenting. Children adjust to situations extremely quickly at young ages, it’s only as we get older that we grow more resistant to change.

Let me explain exactly what that formula means, though. Let’s use an example. I’ll use my son Quynn, and I’ll have to give you a little background so the example is clear. Quynn doesn’t have a bedtime with his mother and he’s used to her laying down with him to get him to sleep. I disagree with that routine and made another one with Quynn that he really enjoyed. After we’re done with his routine and we say our ‘Goody Nights’, Quynn picks out what he wants to watch on the portable dvd player and goes to sleep. However, Quynn does like to sneak out of bed occasionally, so I let him know that if I see him out of his bed again, I’ll need to take the dvd player out of his room for that night. Luckily, Quynn had already learned that I will absolutely follow up on anything I say I will do and he has never tested me on that issue and whenever I let him know that he may not be out of his bed, I don’t see him again that night. If he did break that rule, there would be no second chance. He knows what the consequences are and we would both have to live with them. It would be VERY difficult for me to take the dvd player away, as he would be very upset for a long time, but I would be willing to suffer through it with him to enforce our rules. And at some point, he will test me on that and we will have to suffer together. The consequence you set can be very hard for you to live with as a parent, but if you stick to your guns, and are consistent EVERY time, then you’ll almost definitely see the results you desire. This works for teachers and even when just interacting with other children. When setting the consequence, I try to connect it to what is happening, or there is the ever-popular time out.

Let me give you another example of something not to do. I ran into a parent I knew from another school and her young daughter who was normally happy to see me. The daughter hid behind her mother and wouldn’t look at me. The mother cheerfully informed me that her daughter was learning a lesson through ‘natural consequences’. The daughter wouldn’t get her shoes on when it was time to leave and so the mother made her wear plastic bags on her feet to go into a library. Shaming a child is, in my opinion, a terrible way to teach a child anything. A real ‘natural consequence’ happens at our school frequently. If a child chooses not to eat a snack or much of their lunch, we let them know that it’s their choice, but if they choose not to eat then they might be awfully hungry before it’s time to eat again. If they get hungry before the next meal or snacktime then that is a natural consequence.

I hope that this is helpful, and if you ever have questions you can leave a note here or ask me at school and I’ll help any way I can.